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Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - Experiment | |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus

High Xeodent of Xeomerica.

Since: 10-29-04
From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way

Since last post: 232 days
Last activity: 214 days
Posted on 01-07-08 03:49 PM Link | Quote
I wrote this story not too long ago, and while it's fairly short, I really like it. This story was mostly written as experimentation to see how well I can write while concentrating on just one character, preferably in the first person. Because this was mostly and experience, constructive critisizm is very welcome.

I stand in the middle of a crowd, two guards holding my chained arms. I am nothing to this crowd, just another man ready to die for their barbaric entertainment, just a man destined to die for his sins.

I do not hate them. I know as well as they that I deserve death. In my lifetime, I have done nothing to benefit humanity, nothing to redeem myself from my terrible sins, nothing to save my soul from the eternal fires of Hell.

I only wish that I could relive my life, that I had not harmed those hundreds of people, that I had not murdered, plundered, and created chaos for hundreds of men, women, and children.

Less than a year ago I was a pirate on the sea. I was never a captain, nor did I ever wish to be. Instead, I was the ship quartermaster. I controlled the gold, the food, and the equipment. I was trusted with everything the ship contained, and if the captain ever went against my wishes, I could withhold food and water from the men.

The captain tried to replace me once, with disastrous results. I was the only man on the ship who was educated in even the most basic arithmetic, meaning that I was the only one able to handle dividing the food and water, the only one able to give each man his wages according to his work, and the only man able to sell what we had for a decent price.

Under the uneducated man that my captain had placed as quartermaster, the ship ran out of food within weeks. We were hungry, and we were forced to make for shore early, buying food from an English town. After this unfortunate event, I was placed once again as the quartermaster of my pirate ship.

I continue to walk through the crowd, staring at the dirt ground. I have never before appreciated the ground. It holds millions of men and women on this world never giving up in its attempts to hold our clumsy bodies.

The ground will do nothing when I hang in the air, a noose around my neck, dying for my crimes.

Only once in my life have I ever assisted someone other than myself. A month ago, my ship attacked another, capturing a young girl of ten. My captain, still angry at me for keeping my position as quartermaster, had assigned me to take care of this girl until they decided what to do with her.

Having a woman on a ship was often thought to cause bad luck by pirates. So, after the winds began blowing us away from the shore and we were attacked by a Spanish skiff, the captain resolved to throw the girl off the ship.

In a sudden burst of charity that surprised even myself, I pleaded with the captain to spare her life. I had grown quite attached to the girl, and was determined to have him spare her life.

The captain refused, and told me that she would be thrown overboard in the morning. No land was within miles of us, and there was no chance that such a small girl could stay afloat long enough for a ship to come and save her.

I have left the dirt, and am now walking on wooden planks, towards the rope that will execute me. I will die within moments, life being taken from me. It is only what?s right. I will die, but it will be just.

It is what I deserve for my sins.

That night, desiring to spare her life, I stole a raft, and boated away with her. I knew then that there was no way I could survive if I succeeded in keeping her alive. Pirates were hung by all nations, and unfortunately, this girl had to be left with men who would inevitably hang me.

The water was cold, and we were only able to eat a little each day, for the raft could hold very little food. Fortunately for the girl, an English galleon intercepted us, and brought us aboard.

Unfortunately for me, they discovered within moments of our meeting that I was a pirate. They chained me, and brought me to the Virgin Islands, where I was rightfully sentenced to be hung for my crimes.

The executioner puts the rope around my neck, and grabs a lever, intending to release the floor below me, sending me falling to me death.

?Wait!? I look up, not out of hope, but out of mild curiosity. It would only delay my death. ?This man returned with the governor?s daughter, correct??

The executioner nods, but I doubt he knows. This man must execute several men every week, would he truly care enough to find out who I actually was?

"The governor has offered him a full pardon from his crimes if he agrees to work for the Royal navy.?

The executioner pulls out a knife, and cuts the rope from my neck.

?Do you agree to work for the Navy?? my savior asks.

I nod. I have committed many crimes, but at last, it seems I may have a chance for redemption.

EDIT: Layout deleted.

(Last edited by Vulkar on 01-07-08 06:50 PM)
This isn't about you and your loud mouth,
This is about me and my fucking beard.

Since: 08-29-04
From: PA

Since last post: 4672 days
Last activity: 4296 days
Posted on 01-07-08 09:27 PM Link | Quote
Like I've been meaning to say all day, I liked this a lot. You had a good control of the amount of knowledge you let onto the reader and the story itself was very entertaining. Your style in first person writing is nice, and would be great for modern times.

However, I have a few suggestions on how to make this better. Adding little flairs of culture from the time period you're shooting for here always add to the believability of the story. You could have benefited from more dialog. Your actual story seemed somewhat like an overview at parts, and painting a more detailed description of what was going on would serve you well to add to the power of the story.

All in all, I liked it a lot. You should consider tweaking this about and turning it into something.
Lord Vulkas Mormonus

High Xeodent of Xeomerica.

Since: 10-29-04
From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way

Since last post: 232 days
Last activity: 214 days
Posted on 01-08-08 07:59 PM Link | Quote
I was actually hesitant to add much more dialog. I think that it would take away from the feeling of this basically being a man's thoughts before he dies. If I put in dialog, other people's thoughts would be added as well.

I'm not sure what I'm saying with this, but I'm fairly sure that dialog would ruin the general feeling I'm trying to create.

I will try to add in a bit more description later though. With luck, I can use this character in some of my later stories, though probably not in a novel.

Oh yeah, as an extra bonus, my original ending was just going to have him die, but like most of the stories I've written, I changed the end at the last second.

Anyway, more reviews, praises, or problems with the book. I like information!

Is back!

Since: 10-01-04
From: Stafford, UK

Since last post: 4468 days
Last activity: 4428 days
Posted on 01-17-08 07:41 AM Link | Quote
Originally posted by Vulkar
Oh yeah, as an extra bonus, my original ending was just going to have him die, but like most of the stories I've written, I changed the end at the last second.

You just don't like the main character dying in anything.

My opinion has changed a little since you sent it me a while ago. I think before I was probably tired or something, because it looks a lot better having read it again.

I did think it was a little too simple though, but seeing as it was just an experiment that can probably be forgiven.

I think the character would be great to put in another, longer story, although his sudden turn around seemed a little farfetched. True, the only knowledge of pirates I have are the ones in Mass Effect, but none of them seem capable of being turned around by being offered a position in the place they once fought against.

(Last edited by Ryan on 01-17-08 10:43 AM)
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